"As a Crystal Palace fan, I suspect he will dispatch me in the traditional way by dressing up as a giant model dinosaur and then catching fire. Or possibly send Andy Wilkinson to man-mark me."
"Obviously, if you want a break from the involved process of maintaining adequate children, FIFA is the game for you, with all the simple joy to be gained from its stress-free kickabouts and responsive control system."
"If they were anything like real football supporters, everyone would be slumped in multi-coloured plastic chairs eating a pastry-encased-minced-dog-arse while a fat bloke in a leather jacket called everything a cunt."
"Being a Tiny Italian Child (their voice breaking like a budgie under the wheels of a 4 x 4), they have yet to master even the most basic Catenaccio, and you demolish them 2-0..."